coobybook Chapter 194 Young Master Zhang's escapist nature is hard to change; he dredges up old grievance
Chapter 194 Young Master Zhang's escapist nature is hard to change; he dredges up old grievance
Upon learning of this, Zi'an and Qu Youjiu provided Xiao Si with a professional emotional analysis:
When a partner frequently brings up past grievances or deliberately raises sensitive topics, it often reflects unresolved conflicts or communication problems in the relationship. Whether it's worth continuing the relationship requires a rational assessment from the following perspectives:
First, we need to determine the motives and nature of "bringing up old grievances".
The focus is on malicious attacks versus emotional venting.
How can we identify "malicious attacks"?
If someone deliberately uses past events to humiliate you, suppress your self-esteem, or even expose your shortcomings in public, this could be a form of control or psychological abuse.
What constitutes "emotional catharsis"? If someone brings up past grievances with more feelings of resentment and pain (such as tears, sobbing, or trembling), it may stem from unresolved past issues or a lack of security in the present situation.
Let's take a look at the common psychological roots of bringing up old grievances.
First, observe whether there are any unmet needs:
For example, if someone has hurt another person due to their negligence or deliberate indifference, but the subsequent compensation is insufficient, the other person may try to gain attention by bringing up past grievances.
Also consider whether you have poor emotional management skills:
For example, unable to rationally express their current dissatisfaction, they can only vent their emotions by dwelling on some unresolved details from past trivial matters.
The third point, and often the crux of the matter, concerns the struggle for power in relationships:
"Dig up old grievances"—using past "clues" to suppress you in the present—is an attempt to seize the moral high ground by "finding fault" in the other party. Because the other party's mistakes aren't significant enough in the present, it's necessary to accumulate all past errors to put them in a "dead" or "vulnerable" position. This is a typical manifestation of shirking one's own responsibility.
Xiao Si was a little disappointed. Indeed, in their relationship, it definitely fell into the third category. The other person couldn't remember all the "good things" about her; they only collected the "bad emotions and offensive words" from the details of life and then labeled themselves with all the "bad" tags. Then they would find high-sounding reasons to leave their lover.
Zi'an rationally reminded Xiao Si: "Whether two people are worth continuing their relationship depends on two key points."
The first and most crucial thing is to see if he has the willingness to change.
And rationally observe his subsequent behavior:
For example, if he apologizes afterward, admits that bringing up past grievances hurt you, and is willing to work with you to develop rules for resolving the issue (such as agreeing not to bring up past negative emotions/old conflicts), it shows that he cares about the relationship.
If he insists that "bringing up old grievances is justified," and continues to do so, summarizing your faults such as "periodic loss of control," "was it your fault that time," or "unforgivable," then it shows that he lacks respect for you and your relationship, and even more so, he lacks the ability to reflect on himself.
Xiao Si sighed again. Zi An was right about everything. Several times Xiao Si tried to communicate, but she always fell into an endless cycle of him bringing up her past mistakes.
Qu Youjiu sympathized with Xiao Si's emotional crisis and handed her a glass of wine: "Drink today and be merry. Now, let me make a second point. If you really don't want to end this relationship, ask yourself if you can handle this kind of communication."
"Sigh, my temperament is hard to resist." Xiao Si took a sip, but couldn't feel the strength of the wine.
Zi'an continued:
"If it's a short-term approach: occasionally bringing up old issues, you can try to proactively fix them."
Qu Youjiu reminds you:
"But if he keeps bringing up things that have already happened, it will wear down the relationship and mainly cause psychological trauma to you (such as speaking without thinking, having repeated outbursts of temper, and eventually developing self-doubt and a habit of trying to please him). Just let it go, be carefree, everyone knows you!"
Zi'an said, "You should set a baseline for yourself."
Xiao Si looked worried; it seemed she had to accept reality.
Are you always careful to avoid triggering his "old grudges"?
"Yes, and once old grievances are brought up, no amount of reminders or distraction will work."
Qu Youjiu shook his head:
"After they bring up past grievances, does your relationship become closer because the problems are resolved, or does it become more distant because of mutual resentment and justification?"
Xiao Si sighed, "In the past, he would take the initiative to meet with me, and we would move on. Now it's only the latter."
Zi'an knew that Xiao Si was still struggling because the two of them had many "good" memories from the past that she couldn't let go of. So she proposed a strategy to help Xiao Si guide Young Master Zhang out of the "cycle of old grievances".
"First, if you want to ease tensions, you must be able to stop the damage caused by old grievances!!"
"Powerless..."
Zi An glanced at Yu Zhanmo, who was listening in.
"Brother Gaiyu has spoken."
Yu Zhanmo's honest and simple personality is best suited to this: "Xiao Si, just don't engage, focus on the present. Of course, I know you have a straightforward personality, so don't be too hard on yourself."
“Pudding Yu, please continue, I’m listening.”
"When they bring up the past, calmly respond: 'We've already discussed solutions to this issue before. Are you bringing it up again because you're dissatisfied with the current situation?'"
Xiao Si sighed, "It seems so."
"If they continue to pester us, make the boundaries clear: If you don't want to solve the immediate problem, we can talk again after we've calmed down."
"Yes, indeed, it's been a long time since we've been in touch or met."
Yu Zhanmo continued, "If he still cares about your relationship, he would be willing to set up an 'expiration issue injunction'."
First, we need to agree on the rules together:
For example, past issues that have already been apologized for and resolved should not be used as leverage in arguments.
"Sigh, he can't do it."
"Secondly, if he still has lingering resentment about all the recurring old issues, we can schedule a time to review them, but not launch a sudden attack during the conflict."
Xiao Si stated, "I've tried and improved all my attack patterns. I was even able to clearly pinpoint the trigger he was bringing up old grievances. And I tried to communicate with him in depth:"
- You keep bringing up these old stories, and I've explained and apologized to you more than once. Is it because you feel that I haven't changed at all?
- What do you want me to do to make amends so that this matter can truly be over?
Zi'an then warned, "Xiao Si, you need to be wary of his hidden control: if he demands that you 'atone for your sins in his own way' instead of negotiating together, it may involve emotional blackmail."
"No, I think he was mostly trying to avoid the issue."
Zi'an continued on the main topic: "Okay, then let's talk about the key issues before deciding whether to stay or leave."
First, before bringing up past grievances, has your partner shown you sufficient respect and love in other aspects of your life?
Xiao Si: "For example, when it comes to mounting a horse, he used to be eager to carry me up and help me with the saddle and other details. Now he is very impatient. When I am busy with other things, he just shoves the books and letters into my hands and makes me deliver them myself. He used to deliver them for me."
Xiao Si, her face filled with dejection, slowly spoke:
"There used to be enough, but now it's difficult; it's a completely different story."
Take mounting the horse, for example. He always paid close attention to me, his eyes full of concern. He would almost impatiently open his arms, pick me up gently and carefully, and place me steadily on the horse's back.
Then he would bend down and carefully adjust the saddle for me, tie the straps one by one, and gently pat the horse to soothe the restless horse and make sure everything was in place.
But now everything has changed.
He became extremely impatient. While I was busy with other things and completely overwhelmed, he suddenly shoved a stack of books into my arms and bluntly told me to deliver them myself. "Back then, he would have loved to take care of all these things himself, so I wouldn't have to worry about it..."
Qu Youjiu poured Xiao Si another cup of wine:
"If your partner remains considerate and supportive, only losing control and bringing up past grievances during certain conflicts, the chances of a successful repair are high... A thousand sails pass by the sunken ship, and ten thousand trees bloom before the withered tree..."
If they habitually belittle or deny certain aspects of your personality, then bringing up past grievances is merely one tactic used to suppress you, and you should consider this carefully.
Yu Zhanmo also reminded, "Have you repeatedly expressed your discomfort, but they still do things their own way?"
Little Si nodded, looking aggrieved.
Yu Zhanmo said, "Love is about respecting the other person's feelings. If they know you are in pain but refuse to adjust, that is selfish, not 'pursuing the truth'."
Zi'an concluded:
"Does this relationship help you grow or is it just endless drain? A healthy relationship should be like the warm spring sun, making you more confident and at ease, rather than keeping you trapped in a state of constant anxiety and defensiveness."
Xiao Si paused slightly, her thoughts drifting away like willow catkins in the wind:
“In the past, there was more growth than anything else.”
He taught me horseback riding and archery, and the joy of galloping across the wilderness is still etched in my heart.
I, in turn, opened new windows for him to see the universe and all things. Those gentle emotions, like the blooming flowers in spring, nourished him.
But now, everything has changed. We're like two hedgehogs with their quills raised, wary and afraid to get close again, lest we suffer even the slightest harm…
Zi'an gave a final summary:
One scenario is worth the effort: the other person is willing to acknowledge the problem, and you can work together to develop and adhere to new communication rules.
Another type of signal is a stop-loss recommendation:
Bringing up old grievances accompanied by insulting language that undermines your personality.
There are also double standards, such as not allowing you to mention or admit your own mistakes, while being constantly harsh on you and refusing any changes.
Of course, the final choice is yours—you don't need to exhaust yourself trying to "change someone," nor do you need to negate everything because of a temporary conflict. The key is whether you feel the other person's sincerity towards your relationship.
Qu Youjiu said, "Little Si, let's make new friends. You two aren't a good match... Those who have left me, yesterday's days cannot be retained; those who trouble my heart, today's days are full of worries..."
When one party habitually brings up past grievances, and the other party responds with strong emotions, both parties' behavior is essentially a manifestation of communication breakdown.
This interaction pattern creates a vicious cycle, leading to escalating conflicts.
Yu Zhanmo nodded: "To improve the relationship, both parties need to reflect and adjust together, rather than it being up to you alone."
The first thing he needs to improve is to stop bringing up the past: focus on the present. He can't do that.
This touches on the essence of the problem:
Bringing up old grievances often stems from two psychological factors:
First, there are unresolved traumas from his family of origin and his original personality. These conflicts have not been truly resolved and have become permanent knots in his heart.
The second point involves control and aggression: he constantly uses past events to occupy the moral high ground and evade current contradictions and his own responsibility.
The little ox shook its head.
"If the past has already been apologized for or resolved, clearly tell the other party: We have reached a consensus on this matter, and bringing it up again now will only hurt feelings and damage the relationship... The other party does not want to replace blaming the past with needs, and at this point, you need to see the other party's true character."
Qu Youjiu said, "Let's stop analyzing him, okay?! Bringing up old grievances is essentially using the past to vent current emotions, but this method makes the other person feel attacked. He's also preventing Xiao Si from having any emotional reactions. Isn't this control and abuse?!"
He, Mr. Zhang: I feel uneasy having to consider your feelings when I make any decisions.
You, Xiao Si: Every decision I make has to take into account your attacks of bringing up old grievances, which really annoys me.
All I can say is, "Having seen the ocean, other waters seem insignificant; having beheld the clouds of Wushan, other clouds seem pale in comparison..." You two are simply not a good match! Be more carefree.
Yu Zhanmo added, "Or it's about accepting this imperfect solution: some conflicts, especially those involving the personalities of two people, simply cannot be completely resolved. We need to learn to set aside our differences and look forward."
The little rhinoceros said: "Priceless treasures are easy to find, but a loving husband is hard to come by." Right now, I only care about the aspects of myself that need improvement.
From now on, I must get rid of this bad habit of being shrewish with everyone, stop using any harsh words, and replace attacks with reason.
Speaking recklessly may seem like a retaliation against "bringing up old grievances," but it is actually a manifestation of my own loss of emotional control, which will further intensify the conflict and even cause emotional rifts.
I need to set a "calm signal" for myself:
Before emotions erupt, use gestures (interlock your fingers tightly) or words (such as "I need to pause for 10 minutes") to stop the conversation in time; silence is golden.
Taking the young master of the Zhang family as an example, replace the offensive language with: "You T are a complete bastard!"
Change it to: "Your constant bringing up of the past makes me very angry, and I feel extremely disrespected! You also don't respect our past."
I need to learn to manage my stress responses.
The underlying reason for speaking recklessly may be the outburst of long-suppressed emotions, or a stress response to the feeling of powerlessness in the face of bringing up past grievances.
Practice "delayed response": When the other party brings up past grievances, take a deep breath for 10 seconds before speaking to avoid being controlled by their emotions.
Record and clearly see the feelings and triggers during arguments, and gradually identify your own and the other person's emotional patterns.
Remember, no matter who you're dealing with, clearly state your bottom line and coordinate with specific actions:
If the other party continues to bring up past grievances, remember not to get bogged down in arguments about the details!
Instead, he asked in return, "What do you really want me to do right now? What do you want me to understand?"
The core issue that both Xiao Si and the young master of the Zhang family need to address is how to shift from an "adversarial mode" to a "cooperative mode".
First, we must stop blaming each other:
The phrases "Why are you bringing up old grievances again!" and "Why are you so reckless with your words!" are both ways of saying things that are offensive and offensive.
Instead: "It seems we've fallen into the old pattern again. Let's think of a solution together."
See if both parties want to establish common goals:
For example: "Our goal is to create a better future together, not to prove the other person wrong."
We also need to upgrade our communication rules.
The "Four No's Principle" were agreed upon:
- Don't bring up old grievances
- No personal attacks
- Do not interrupt the other party
- No Cold War for more than 24 hours
And the consequences of breaking the rules:
For example, if someone brings up past grievances or loses control of their emotions, you should proactively do something the other person likes as compensation.
Regular relationship reviews are also necessary.
A monthly, non-conflict-free conversation, using a "3-step method" to clear up accumulated grievances:
1. Listen: "What are some of your lingering grievances about me that you haven't been able to let go of?"
2. Apology: Sincerely apologize for the specific incident (even if it was unintentional or a stress-induced injury).
3. Plan: "How can I mitigate/avoid similar problems in the future?"
Xiao Si had long since given up on the obsession with "changing the other person." She focused instead on adjusting her own behavior, rather than fixating on the other person's mistakes!
Only by changing oneself can one indirectly influence others.
Xiao Si also accepts the idea of "gradual improvement" in the relationship because habit correction takes time and occasional setbacks are allowed, but it is necessary to see if the overall trend is positive.
Xiao Si was also trying to find opportunities to reinforce positive feedback. But she failed because unless the other person stopped communicating altogether, any communication they did involved bringing up past grievances. She didn't even have a chance to give timely affirmation: "Thank you for your calm communication just now. I feel very reassured. Thank you for caring about my feelings. Let's not talk about the past anymore."
Xiao Si has not yet made a final judgment:
She is still waiting for both parties to be willing to put in the effort for the relationship. If Mr. Zhang is willing, this type of conflict pattern can be improved.
However, if one party continues to refuse to reflect (e.g., believing that "bringing up the past is justified" or "I was forced to curse by you"), then the sustainability of the relationship needs to be reassessed.
Xiao Si understood this very well. She was also very clear about the underlying logic that a partner is an ally, not an enemy.
A healthy relationship is not about never arguing, but about being willing to understand each other and grow together after arguments.
Whether the young master of the Zhang family now wants to grow together remains to be seen.